So we’re back on the financial emotional roller coaster.

How does one go from making independent sole decisions based on you and what’s important to you to joint decisions taking in both ideas and priorities without wanting to kill the other person?

A few days ago we sat down to talk about our financial plans and goals and granted the conversation did not go so well, we did agree about what our short term goals are. This was my hangup that day because all of our short term large expenses would be for me. I have a $2,000 expense I need to take care of as soon as possible, also soon after that I’ll have to pay for my tuition and soon after that I would like to travel to Colombia along with my husband and sisters. He and I both agreed that these would be our common saving goals along with establishing an emergency savings account, 401K contributions, debt reduction, and saving for a down payment on a new house. My expenses are immediate, wheras everything else was deemed to be part of a long term plan.

Last night we sat down to do our budget to see where we stood for the rest of the month and to set up next month’s budget as we will be traveling out of town for our reception, etc. Barring any cash surge (reception gifts) or emergency (car breaks down/whatever), accroding to our budget we should have approximately $2,200 saved up by November 1st.  So I said perfect! We have the $2K for my first big expense, which means I can get that out of the way next month and we can start on saving for my tuition and our trip starting in Novemeber and we’ll have $200 left over.

Well, this sparked an all out fight. He thinks we should put a few hundred aside for my expense and break the money up so that in 6 – 8 months we can take care of everything. I blew up because I have been waiting to take care of this matter 16 years and when it is in my grasp he tells me we should wait 6 – 8 months until we have more bankroll and that we never agreed that that was what our money would be saved for or for immediate use.

Now, mind you, the $2200 saved up means we’ve paid all of our bills, he’s paying down his credit cards, we’ve spent money on his  birthday, my sister’s bday, my birthday, alloted for miscellaneous spending, etc. and then we have $2200 left over. So, it’s not like taking the $2K immediately would leave us off badly financially, it’s just that he won’t see our savings grow for 6- 8 months before it gets spent, but rather we would spend it as we accumulate the amounts required for each expense, but wither way in 6 – 8 months the exoense would be taken care of and the “savings” would be gone.

However, between Tuesday and Thursday things changed from “it’s OUR money and your priorities are our priorities”‘ to “you’re being selfish, everything can’t be about what you want, and I don’t agree with that plan”. It is driving me crazy that I have to get “permission” from him to spend the money we save. I wish I was alone or that we had not merged our finances then I would be half way to my goal and I would cut down every expense for the next month to save the other $1K by the end of Novemebr and I wouldn’t have anyone to ask, “do you agree?” I owould just make my own plan and follow it! I hate this merging finances/lives and being hadcuffed when making decisions, because we both have to agree! ugh! $1K of that money is mine! plus we would be saving part of my paycheck to come to the $2K and using my paycheck to pay for our household expenses etc just as much as his paycheck. ugh! I just want to be on my own again!

On top of that, the damn house is his because he bought it and now I live with him so last night when I wanted to just lock myself away somewhere and be on my own I had nowhere to go. I couldn’t drive back to my place and just be alone. I didn’t want to be in our master room because , well it’s ours. I went to the guest bedroom, but that’s his room. The only place I could go to was our study, but tha’s still our common area and it’s in his house! I need my own space! My sister has her own suite upstairs, he’s got the guest bedroom, and I have no place that isn’t a common area. Sometimes I jsut want my apartment back. I just want a place to call my own again.

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Earlier, I expressed that I am a very independent woman. I have lived on my own for 5 years and I rarely like to turn to my parents for any sort of help. I have certainly never taken any financial help from a man. 

Life has always been about how hard I can work and what I can get for myself. Of course, I always have also tried to do as much as I can for my sisters as well, but I htink of them as an extension of me. When I have needed something, I have just figured out how to get it for myself or go without it. I have had help from friends at the times I needed it, but even accepting that help was hard for me.

My husband is seven years older than me and obviously, we came together at two different point of our lives; financially, emotionally, spiritually, etc. The first bump in our road was from the emotional differences between us.  I was not used to getting emtionally attached to anyone, and I had to break that in order to allow myself to fall in love. He stood patiently by my side as I struggled with it all.

Now, we are trying to plan out our finances. Specially since I have been reading many personal finance blogs, such as My Dollar Plan. We have been able to sit down and do our budget together within 2 weeks of being married. It was admittedly a little difficult for me because I did not like the idea of having to explain my expenses to someone else. Specially since I’ve alway had a part of my income going towards my sisters. We got through it, but we busted the budget anyway, so now we have to sit down ad re-do it. We didn’t bust it in the sense that we spent more than what we have, but in the sense that we overspent in some areas. Namely, my sisters and my eating out.

Last night we set down to plan for the future and discuss debt, 401Ks, CDs, investments, Expenses, etc. Teh discussion did not go the way I had hoped at all. I had hoped we would talk about different options for saivng and investing money. Rather, we spent some time talking about m y creidt history and how to fix it. Also we talked about the upcoming expenses, which are all really my expenses, as they benefit me (tuition, travel to Colombia, other). I felt terrible because I simply felt like he had the upper hand in our relatioship, financially. He contributes to his 401K monthly. I have not contributed in 2 years. He has the house and the equity and large tax returns involved with that. I seem to have nothing. These are all the reasons I didn’t want to get married until I was 30. I wanted to be stable and have things to bring to the table, rather than feel so incredibly inadequate.  I realize that many of these things are not really problems as I am only 23 and most people my age don’t have a nest egg and investments, etc. I just don’t like being the financially inferior one in any situation. 

He, of course, being the wonderful man that he is, explained that since he only lived alone in the house for about 6  months and we have been there the other 6 months paying into the mortgage and expenses, etc, we have as much stake in the equity and tax return as he does. He also told me that we’re married now and evertyhing is ours. From my expenses to his assets. Yeah, I guess, but still the independent woman in me is not very happy with the entire situation. I wish I had more money. Sometimes I even wish I had waited to get married.  In the end, we didn’t really even make a plan because it didn’t go so well after I got upset at my own situaiton.

We had our housewarming party this weekend and it was great. We had a huge hodgepodge of people in our house, from all ages, and backgrounds, and it was great. I really enjoyed it and it was nice that people from our jobs came by to visit us. 

Everyone loved our house and we’re happy to say that our bosses were jealous of our spacious home. Our house really is beutiful even if it’s not ideally located. I really feel that in the past few months we’ve done great things for the house between the two of us. It was very stark with overwhelmingly high ceilings and spaces so open they seemed empty. Now we have a warm and inviting kitchen. The paints has made the high ceilings impressive and not overwhelming. We have great furniture and decorations so nothign seems empty. We have created a beautiful office and guest bedroom. Our master suite is now grand. I’m very happy with our house and even more excited at the idea that we will have even more wonderful things soon to make our home just right. 

Our friends were so great and I really enjoyed having the opportunity to host everyone we care about in my home. It was very nice to get evryone together.

I am hosting my housewarming party tomorrow. Mind you, I never wanted a housewarming party to begin with. This might sound a bit spoiled, but I just didn’t want to have people over to our house. My husband bought the house while we were aprt, and needless to say I had no input. The house is very pretty and our neighborhood is not bad, but you have to go through an ugly side of town to get there. Thus, I had preferred to wait until we got a new house to have any sort of housewarmng party. 

After I surprised my sorority sisters with the news that I got married, they were obviously upset that they couldn’t be there with me. So, to quell them and my husband’s friends we decided to have a Housewarming/Wedding Celebration. We initially planned for approximately 15 – 20 people and today it seems we will have about 40 people coming. 

This has of course required now that we get the house all spic and span, which it’s generally pretty clean, but not “guests clean”. I planned on doing most of this last night and tonight, but alas, I got sick and just laid on the couch last night. My wonderful husband, however, went food shopping with me, cleaned the restrooms, the kitchen vacuumed, etc. He didn’t let me get up to help with anything, that’s why I love him. He spoils me so much. 

Admittedly, I have also spent all week obsessively checking my wedding registry to see what kinds of gifts I can expect. I must say I am super excited because I am getting the awesomest espresso/coffee maker ever! Since I saw tht someone bought it, I’ve been waiting for Saturday just so I can make myself a caramel latte on my very own espresso machine! I also want to say that I have some friends that are huge fans of procrastination! 

 

I am obsessed with my registry. I think it’s one of the most fun things I have done in a long time. I basically got a chance to sit down and imagine my dream home and click away so other peole could get me the gifts! Even if I don’t get half of what I asked for I had a great time planning what the house would look like with all my new fun toys. New bedding, fancy china, casual china, an outdoor grill, fun kitchen appliances, etc.  I think I’m going to keep that list for the next 5 years. If anyone ever wants to get me a birthday or Xmas gift, they will be referred to the registry!

 

Being under the weather though, I’m not really looking forward to having 40 at my house. So I hope it goes smoothly and finishes quickly so I can jump back into some sweat pants in front of the tv and eat the brownies I made last night.