Marriage is great because it brings you together forever with that one special person that touches your heart. You get to share every morning and night together. Every thought and every experience. Marriage is difficult for the very same reasons.
Marriage puts you in one shared house where everything is shared from time and space to food and things. Now I love my husband and thoroughly enjoy spending time with him. However, I also thoroughly enjoyed having my own place and living alone. I was never one of those women who wished she had someone to come home to. I was the one that rushed home to the peaceful quite of an empty apartment. It was blissful. Everything was done the way I wanted because I did it myself. Everything was right where I left it when I came home. I ate if I was hungry, I didn’t if I wasn’t. I cleaned when the mood would strike me, sometimes from 9pm to 4am. I left a mess when I felt like it. I watched what I wanted on tv. I shopped for whatever I wanted, budget with my own priorities, sometimes savings was no. 1, sometimes new shoes were top priority. When the mood would strike me to plant a garden I drove to the store picked up a gardening book and a bunch of plants and spent a week doing that. Basically, I lived on my own. On my own time, my own money, my own terms, my own moods, etc.
Now, I am happily married, but painfully aware of my husbands needs. I can’t do my own budget, I have to wait until we both have the time. I can’t ever put new shoes as priority no. 1, savings always goes first. When I got the urge to garden, I had to wait a week until we could re-analyze the budget to create a gardening budget. Then, I spent 2 weeks researching gardening and real estate markets to come up with a gardening plan that would make the house more profitable when we decide to sell it. Then, I waited forever to go plant shopping with the hubby and in the end: Gardening never happened.
Compromise and teamwork can be great in a marriage, in fact it’s indispensable, but I gotta say, I’m a little over it. I get these bouts sometimes where I just want to break free! I imagine myself going back to my old apartment and finding it just the way I left it: perfectly alone. Alas, no such luck. When I want to retreat, I go into our shared home office, until of course, my husband needs to do something and comes in or simply misses me and comes looking for me. Poor guy, he’s gotten the brunt of my cabin fever frustration this week. he cleaned the office for me and that put me on edge as it was all my paperwork I wanted to clean and organize myself. Again, I’m not a fan of people touching my stuff or doing things I already had a plan to do. And yes, people includes my husband. Then, he tried to be nice and help with something else, but only wound up creating a mess.
My conclusion: I need to lighten up on the “I want to do everything myself” deal. I also need to find a space all of my own where I can retreat to. I let him have the guest room. He has all his stuff in there, I don’t touch his stuff or bother him when he retreats in there for whatever reason. However, he is not like me and doesn’t feel his own room is necessary. This week I will be on the hunt for a space to call my own.